About Couple Relationships
About Parent Teen Relationships
Other Articles
You Will Find More Articles on Allan’s Blog
About Couple Relationships
How to Stop Destructive Conversations
Since the beginning of time, men and women have blamed each other when things go wrong. In the Garden of Eden, when God asked Adam if he had eaten the forbidden fruit, Adam blamed Eve. When God asked Eve, she explained how the snake told her the fruit was good. To blame others, rather than accept responsibility for our actions, is one of the most human and frequently made mistakes in relationships. .... More click here
Do You Know What Your Relationship Raw Spots Are?
W e all have our vulnerabilities or sensitivities. Sue Johnson calls them ‘raw spots’: places in our emotional skin that is tender to the touch, easily rubbed and deeply painful. These sensitivities are often rooted in wounding relationships of the past, such as parents, siblings or past and present partners. ... More click here
Do You Know How to De-escalate Couple Conflict and Disconnection?
Almost all couples quarrel from time to time. Those few who don’t may be afraid of conflict. Quarrelling is not bad for your relationship. In fact, conflict is a normal part of all relationships. It helps us understand different viewpoints and negotiate a compromise. Knowing how to resolve differences respectfully, without hurting your partner’s feelings, is a critical skill for a satisfying long lasting relationship. ... More click here
Finding the Courage to Ask for the Love You Need
Do you remember the beginning of your relationship, when you were romantically and hopelessly “in love”? Do you remember how naturally and almost spontaneously you paid attention to your partner’s every action and word, every expression of feeling? Over time, however, you may have become more complacent, less attentive and maybe even jaded with your partner. Do you long for that romantic time, when things were simpler and you felt loving and tender? ... More click here
How to Deepen Your Relationship with Touch and Sex
Much of what we hear in popular culture and from some self help gurus is that passion is a passing sensation, which fades as a relationship matures. The high intensity of sexual desire that characterizes the beginning of your relationship is thought to inevitably diminish with time. Unfortunately, too much emphasis has been placed on the mechanics of sex: positions, techniques, and toys to enhance physical bliss. ... More click here
How Do You Keep the Love Alive in Your Relationship?
There has never been a time in history when more is expected of marriage. Keeping a relationship loving, passionate and growing for a lifetime is a challenge that all couples face. The ‘spark’ grows dim, boredom or routine sets in, exhaustion from work and children leaving little time and energy available to keep the love fires burning. ... More click here
Is Your Partner Married to Their Blackberry?
You’ve got to love them or hate them. Our tech gadgets: the Blackberry, iPhone, Palm, whichever P.D.A. (Personal Digital Assistant) you have. They are here to stay and growing in popularity. They keep us connected to work, friends and family. They also interfere with our in-person relationships. ... More click here
Why Is It Always About You?
They are everywhere. They could be your boss at work, a friend, a parent or maybe your spouse - people who are so self–centred that they seem to have no concern for others. They seem to be only interested in you as long as you are useful to them. They act as if their needs are far more important than anyone else’s. ... More click here
Not Ready to Make Nice
Betrayal … it’s the injury to a relationship that keeps on hurting. It’s a violation of trust that is impossible to forget. It could be your parent who turned against you as a child and continues to be oblivious to how they hurt you. It could be a friend who broke an important confidence, or your spouse who had an extra-marital affair. When another person we care about hurts us by betrayal, the pain can be unbearable. ... More click here
Preserving Intimacy When Baby Comes
Research on couples with first born babies shows that marital relationship satisfaction drops dramatically for two-thirds of couples in the first three years after baby arrives. Conflict within the relationship and hostility dramatically increases. Couples find themselves fighting with each other much more. Their emotional intimacy deteriorates. ... More click here
Gender Perspectives in Marriage: Creating Security by Reducing Shame and Fear
Studies show that on average adult women experience fear more strongly than men. Adult men feel shame more strongly than women. The exchange of feelings is the lifeblood of relationships. So, if women are more sensitive to fear and men to shame, then the fear-shame point of contact may be an important place to understand male female connection. ... Click here for Part 1 ... Click here for Part 2
The Rewards of Really Listening
As toddlers, we learn to speak and to hear what others are saying. As we grow we learn to read and write, along with other useful skills. But few of us ever learn one of the most vital skills of all — how to really listen. To really listen takes our whole attention and focus. To really listen takes our whole attention and focus. The rewards are huge though: happier marriages and families, better communication at work, fewer misunderstandings between friends and others, calmer and less stressful lives. ... More click here
Conquering Your Inner Critic
We all have an inner critic. It is the name given to the “voice” we all hear in our head from time to time. It is that critical internal monologue that reminds us of our weaknesses and failings. It may remind you of a voice of one of your parents or some other significant person in your life. ... More click here
Do You Want to Stop Quarrelling About Money?
Money problems can either be a source of conflict or cohesion for your marriage. Resolving conflict effectively and respectfully is a vital skill to creating cohesion. The combination of good money management knowledge and the skills of how to resolve conflict effectively make for financial harmony. ...
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Working on Your Relationship Alone
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. It also takes two to make a couple. It takes two to make a relationship and, it follows, two to work on that relationship.
But what happens when one person in a relationship doesn’t want to do the work—especially if that work means going to couples counselling? ... More click here
About Parent Teen Relationships
How to Keep Children and Teens from the Harm of Marital Conflict
A teenager who lives half the time with each of his divorced parents recently described himself to me as the messenger and mediator between his parents. He told me that it is a rather dangerous job because he never knows when either one are going to “shoot the messenger.” When children experience their mother and father display hostility or contempt for each other, they suffer. It does not seem to matter whether the parents are living together, are married, separated or divorced, parental animosity harms children and teens. Decades of research consistently shows the damaging impact of parent to parent disrespect and aggression. Whether it is volatile and noisy or silent and passive, the hostile emotional family atmosphere has a significant negative effect on children at the time and for years to come. ... More click here
How Do You Get Respect From Your Teenager?
Respect is that critical ‘tool’ that all parents need to survive the adolescent parenting years. Virtually every piece of research confirms that teenagers who respect their parents have a greater chance of getting through the teen years with greater ease and with fewer scrapes. When our kids are young, we can be very directive because they are more dependent on us and generally obey. Teenagers resist the directive approach. They call it control. They need to be influenced by us instead. Influence comes with respect. ... More click here
Empathy and Social Skills for Tech Savvy Teenagers
The explosion of technology is revolutionizing the way we communicate, the way we work and how we live. Just as parents of the sixties worried about the harmful effects of television on their children, there is concern today about the way the unstoppable march of technology is affecting young minds.
.... More click here
Preparing Young Adults for Work Life
The transition to adulthood has always been a challenging one. These days, that transition to adulthood is more complex and is taking longer than it did for parents, who went through it 30-40 years ago. Today’s young adults are stretching the transition to adulthood on the following five indicators of independence:
- length of time to complete post-secondary education
- financial independence through full-time employment
- living independently by leaving home permanently
- living in a common law partnership or marriage and finally
- having children .... More click here
The Risky Business of Teenagers
As a parent of teenagers, most of us can think back and shudder at the many risks we took when their age. Do you remember retelling those stories of crazy things done as this kind of ‘rite of passage’ or some other justification for our outrageousness? Afterwards, upon reflection, we may have known we were acting really immaturely, foolishly and dangerously. So why do perfectly normal, usually responsible, teens act at times like little kids? Why do they lose their good judgement? ... More click here
Love, Sex and the Teenage Brain
Teen romance and the possibility of sex.... It is one of the trickiest and difficult topics that we, as parents, talk to our kids about. Making sure your teenager has good information and a healthy attitude about opposite sex relationships is a challenging parental responsibility. We know that our teenagers are going to parties, hanging out together, sometimes drinking and some are having sex. ... More click here
The Greatest Gifts a Child Can Receive
How do you give your child the ability to succeed, to be emotionally secure and a person you can be proud of? How do you help them have the brightest future possible in this rapidly changing world? As parents, these are really good questions to reflect on but sometimes neglected in the pressure of our busy lives. ... More click here
Putting Children First After Separation and Divorce
It is estimated that in Canada about a hundred thousand children a year experience the effects of parental separation. About 25% of divorces remain highly conflicted and 10% litigate or are the “divorces from hell”. Court hearings for “contested” separations take huge sums of money and also tend to be ones where the disruption to children is greatest. The homes they live in may be sold; they may have to change schools and say goodbye to friends; their lives are basically turned upside down. The research on the impact of divorce on children clearly shows that it is the ongoing adult conflict which leads children from divorced parents to suffer the most. ... More click here
Other Articles
 The Benefits of Exercise
A growing body of research shows the beneficial effect of physical activity on reduction of symptoms of depression and anxiety. Studies show that regular rigorous exercise can make the same significant difference anti-depressant medication after four months. ... More click here
Getting Better Sleep
All of us have experienced occasional bouts of insomnia as the result stressful life events such as a death, a divorce, family or work-related stresses, health problems or relationship changes. For some, these short-term bouts of insomnia for a few days can turn into chronic insomnia lasting a month or more. ... More click here
Lost in Transition
In life we are faced with one change after another. We are always in some state of transition. Just reflect for a moment on all the events that have brought change to your life in the past year. There are many social, political and economic changes in our world that impact us all. ... More click here
How Well Do You Learn From Your Mistakes?
Making mistakes is inevitable. We all make them regularly. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, it is best to learn how to handle them well. Handle mistakes poorly and they are remembered as devastating failures, horrible calamities and evidence of your inadequacies. Handle them well and they can teach you what you need to do to improve next time. Mistakes can serve as a warning for you about the future. ... More click here
If you think you or your family could benefit from counselling therapy, please email me so I can answer your questions or to make an appointment for counselling.
Allan Findlay is a therapist and counsellor in Toronto and Newmarket, Ontario.
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