Are You Fed Up With The Pain, Struggle or Feelings of Emptiness in Your Relationship?

Couples counselling or marriage therapy can help you resolve the relationship problems that you can’t seem to resolve together.

In Your Relationship, Do You Worry that You Are:

• Biting your tongue to avoid an argument
• Fighting too much with your partner
• Critical of your partner most of the time or feel constantly criticised by him or her
• Guarded and distant from your partner
• Always trying to please your partner and getting nothing in return
• Losing the respect for your partner that you once had
• Comparing your relationship to those who are happier
• Getting the silent treatment from your partner
• Wondering whether it is possible to find the passion that was once there
• Wishing you were having more sex or that having sex was more fun
• Raising your voice and saying things you regret later
• Having flirtatious conversations with the opposite sex other than your partner
• Unsuccessful at solving even minor problems on your own

Research Shows there is One Primary Reason Marriages Fail

• Your marriage will not fail because of too much arguing
• Your marriage will not fail because of financial problems
• Your marriage will not fail because of too much conflict
• Your marriage will not fail because of a lack of sex

Your marriage is most likely to fail because of lack of affection and emotional responsiveness.

The Truth is most marriages die from neglect.

Marriage problems begin when you experience an absence of positive intimate interactions. A knowing smile, an affectionate wink, a compliment, making the other laugh, a gentle touch or unexpected hug - these are gestures of affection and positive emotional responsiveness.

If you are like most couples, as a man you will tend to experience this by feeling rejected, inadequate, like a failure. As a woman you will tend to experience this as feeling abandoned, alone and unconnected.

Many couples come for couples counselling long after emotional responsiveness has decreased and when affection is in short supply. They ask for help when the conflict is so intense that one is ready to divorce.

Don’t wait until you or your partner is ready to throw in the towel on your relationship.

Know the signs that your marriage is in trouble and be courageous enough to seek marriage therapy or couples counselling.

If you and your partner are ready to have children, but worry that your marriage is not strong enough. Or if you have a young family, maybe passion and intimacy has gone since the birth of your children. Or if your teen agers have grown more independent, you wonder if you and your partner still have any common interests once they leave home.

All relationships change and evolve over time. As each of you age and mature, your relationship needs to grow along with you. Sometimes that growth is smooth and sometimes there are some bumps along the way.

Conflict is a normal part of all relationships. Respectful conflict can help your relationship grow stronger as you solve problems together. Disrespectful conflict and avoiding issues can cause you to feel angry, resentful and eventually will erode your relationship.

Unhappiness Does Not Mean You Must End Your Marriage.

The choice to divorce is always an option, but before you choose that option wouldn’t it be better to see if a couples counselling or marriage therapy can help? It is especially important to consider your options when you have children who will be affected by your decision for the rest of their lives. Even if couples counselling doesn’t save your marriage and you end up separating, you will feel better that you tried to sort things out first.

As a Couples and Marriage Counsellor I Can Help You Eliminate the Resentments and Bring Back the Love, Respect and Appreciation to Your Relationship.

The Benefits of Couples Counselling and Marriage Therapy

• Know the negative patterns of interactions in your relationship and how to stop them
• Take responsibility for your reactive behaviour
• Pinpoint your vulnerabilities
• Differentiate how your partner perceives you from how you perceive yourself
• Learn why your intentions matter less than the impact of your actions
• Eliminate faulty assumptions that create distance in your relationship
• Learn to communicate with composure
• Learn to listen with compassion
• Discover how gender differences in perspective can help you understand each other
• Master a problem solving method that will turn the negative pattern into a positive pattern that will enhance your connection now and for years to come.
• Make permanent change that strengthens trust and partnership, enhances affection and intimacy.
• Learn what can change and what can’t in each other and the relationship
• Accept yourself and your partner for who you are

As a Toronto Marriage and Couples Counsellor, I have shown over a 1000 Couples how to solve their struggles and become happier in their relationship.

You may be sceptical that marriage therapy can save your marriage. I understand that. I cannot (and have not) prevented all couples who have seen me from divorce. On the other hand, I do have a very high success rate with those couples who make a strong commitment to the process of counselling. For those couples who continue for more than six sessions between 75-85% report a more satisfying relationship six months after counselling ends. They report gaining much greater insight into themselves and their problems and find the skills to solve them.

If your partner does not want to attend couples counselling, don’t let that stop you from getting help for your relationship.

Sometimes, I can coach you to make changes in the relationship without seeing your partner or discuss ways to encourage your partner to come to see me. Obviously, it is more effective to see you both, but that is not always possible. For more information about marriage therapy when only one can attend click here.

Marriage therapy is a collaborative endeavour. I bring a combination of extensive professional knowledge and training along with my personal style. This is a good fit for most couples. I am compassionate and patient. I can also be very direct and tough when needed. I do not just nod my head and say Uh huh! Because I stay current with the latest couples counselling research and have creative mind, I have plenty of ideas and tasks for you to do to improve your relationship.

A Success Story

A couple, who had been together for eight years, came to see me because their marriage had been deteriorating for the past 3 years. He felt that he was not valued, ignored and not as important to her as her many hobbies and close girlfriends and their children. He was unhappy that their sex life had almost totally disappeared and when they had it, he always had to initiate it. He resented her long list of things he was expected to do around the house: chores, repairs and renovations.

His wife reported that they both valued their independence but that now they had become more like “borders” than husband and wife. She felt that there was no passion left in their relationship any more. They were good parents together, but she felt that most of the responsibilities for the child care and their household fell to her while maintaining a full time professional practice.

Over the first several sessions together in couples counselling they began to see how the things that attracted them to each other in the first place were what they were most irritated with now. His eccentricity attracted her to him and her intelligence and confidence attracted him to her. When they thought about separating, through couples counselling they rediscovered what they loved about the other and realized that their high stress and low moods were blinding them from seeing their strengths as a couple.

After six marriage therapy sessions, both were truly committed to working on the relationship. With guidance on how to understand the emotions behind each other’s behaviour they re-discovered why they had stayed together and what they loved about each other.

They were shown how to make their relationship more of a priority by scheduling time for discussions together and activities. They learned about each other’s “rough spots”- the sensitive topics they either fought about or avoided. They gained a greater insight into each other’s vulnerabilities. They were shown how to treat each other with greater care, and how to have more constructive conversations by resolving conflicts respectfully.

By the tenth couples counselling session, they began to work on the list of house projects together. These activities brought them a greater sense of partnership. They came to be much more accepting of each other and saw the strengths in each other as the negatives diminished in prominence. At the conclusion of the couples counselling, they began inviting friends over and entertaining – something they had neglected in the recent past and which gave them great pleasure. At the six month follow up appointment, they continue to find the comfort and pleasure in each other and their family and reported having the occasional counselling session without me.

Choose a counsellor with a track record of helping couples avoid divorce. Find out how marriage therapy can bring back respect, acceptance love and passion and save your relationship.

Your Next Steps

• Download a FREE copy of: Seven Ways You Can Improve Your Relationship

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• Please email me so I can answer any questions or to make an appointment for couples counselling. Or phone 1 888-788-1111, or 416 489-5053

*All anonymous endorsements on this website were given voluntarily by real clients after the completion of their counselling and in keeping with principles of the Code of Ethics and Standards of the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers.

Allan Findlay provides couples counselling and marriage therapy in the Toronto and Newmarket area including Aurora, Bradford, Holland Landing and King City, Ontario.